Wednesday, May 9, 2007

A Battle of Epic Proportions, Part I

The sky was clear, the air was clean. I entered my chambers unabated by the rather high temperatures. I entered the sanctuary to read up on the local happenings as well collect my thoughts. The sanctuary had always been a place for unbridled and unhindered thought.

After a good earnest ponderance, I prepared to make my exit – I proceeded to flush the sacred waters of the portal, carrying away any vile materials that were not pure enough to stay in my mortal body.

It was at this point that ‘he’ emerged. Cloggar, the suffocator – one of the world’s most reprehensible and vile beings. He spoke:

“Foolish mortal, it is by your own folly that I have been reincarnated once more. Bwahahahahah, your own papers have spawned me!!!”

I gasped in terror as the sanctuary rumbled in awe of the mighty Cloggar. The portal began to agonize, and bubble violently as Cloggar worked his evil magics. I had not completed my training on fending off such a foe, but I had to try.

Thinking quickly, I entered the antechamber to acquire the only weapon I knew of that would be able to match Cloggar’s power – my trusty wooden plunger. I found ye olde plunger entangled in some cobwebs beneath the basin springs, clearly I had not needed it for many moons. Cloggar’s presence was definitely most unexpected.

I reentered the sanctuary, prepared to meet my maker. Cloggar was not impressed with my armament. “Bah, fool, dost thou know the power of the suffocator? Your mortal weapons are useless.”

“INVADER!” I screamed, “go back to whence you came!!” I drove the plunger into the depths of the portal – pushing with all of my might.

I pulled the plunger out, drained of energy. The plunger had inverted its magical suction helmet. I was unable to sustain the back pressure necessary to combat Cloggar. I had merely feebly pushed some of the portal waters at him. I prayed that this was enough to loosen the suffocator’s stranglehold on the portal system.

I activated the flushing mechanism. To my horror, the water did not empty; rather, it began to rise, taunting me all the way to the brim of the portal and slightly dribbling over onto the sanctuary floor.

Cloggar chortled, “Muwahahahah, you have only tired yourself mortal, I am omnipotent, I am malevolent, I am ETERNAL!!”

“What treachery is this plunger?” I gasped, “have you not the strength to do what is asked of you!? You are defective and useless!” I attempted to use the plunger once more, thrashing about with portal waters in a vain attempt to destroy Cloggar. Once again, the magical suction inverted and refused to clasp the interior drain.

“Your weapons are obsolete human,” Cloggar proclaimed, “surrender now and I may offer you a quick death.”

The water level had dropped, I was achieving marginal success. I flushed again. But as before, the portal waters swelled, driving me out of the sanctuary in terror.

Ye olde plunger had failed; I needed to consult the archives for a new way. I entered the archives drained and in low spirits, for Cloggar the suffocator had gained dominion over my precious sanctuary. This blasphemy could not be tolerated.

The archives offered a few alternate methods. I quickly acquired the necessary components and returned to the antechamber. The water level in the portal was low, now was the perfect time.

I rushed into the sanctuary and dumped a vat of scalding water into the portal well. I quickly added a cup of magical dish cleaning elixir which apparently possess the power to lessen Cloggar’s power.


Cloggar let out a primal roar, “you are only enraging me boy, now you will face the consequences!!” The water again rose, but this time it was scalding hot and brimming with stinging, slippery bubble minions. They overflew the portal and latched onto my naked feet, toppling my body onto the sanctuary floor. The burning water fell upon my body.

Letting out a visceral scream, I crawled out of the sanctuary, lucky to be alive.

I realized that I had no choice, I needed to acquire the only weapon capable of defeating Cloggar, and that weapon was the Golden Plunger. Many think this plunger is a myth, made up by optimists praying for a way to defeat the suffocator. But I believed, I knew, in my heart of hearts that the Golden Plunger was real.

I exited the sanctuary and got onto my trusty stead, Pontiac the Sunfire. Time was working against me; the search had begun.

To Be Continued….