Saturday, May 12, 2007

A Battle of Epic Proportions, Part II

(Read Part I first unless you want to miss out)

The mighty sun was setting off to the west and the sweltering heat was diminishing. Pontiac was fast, and I made my way to the land of giants – Krogar. In this intimidating land, status is not earned through strength, or intelligence. Honor is earned through how fat you are; only the fattest of the fat are in charge.

I dismounted Pontiac and cautiously entered the Krogarian market. I began to search for the Golden Plunger. The market seemed to have a limitless array of items available for purchase. I found the region devoted to sanctuary business – floor polishers, portal scrubbers, portal cleanser, alas – no golden plunger. I spent a few minutes re-searching in vain, hoping I had missed something but this was all for naught. The golden plunger was not in Krogar.

I dropped my head, and prepared to leave. No sooner had I turned, when I saw a massive Krogarian coming my way, pushing a giant cradle full of items. I would not be able to circumvent this giant because of his sheer girth. I turned to head out the alley from the other end, succumbing to horror as another Krogarian barreled towards me.

Quickly, I backed up as tightly as I could onto the market wall – praying these Krogarians would squeeze by peacefully. Just as the two were about to crush me into oblivion, the larger Krogarian stopped, scratched his rump, and turned around. He was clearly in the wrong alley. I was saved!

I was able to exit the Krogarian market without further interruption, Pontiac was waiting patiently. We proceeded to venture forth, in continued search for the golden plunger.

After long journeying, we arrived at the Wall of Greens, another place thought to possess the golden plunger. Gently patting Pontiac, I dismounted and entered this strange new land. The Wall of Greens was smaller than Krogar, and their market is well known for their obscure orbs known as “farma-suitacles.” I was not here for orbs, so I passed the main crowd to the sanctuary shop.

“Curses,” I muttered. The golden plunger was not here either. A small merchant tentatively approached me.

“Can I help you sir?”

“Yes, I am looking for the Golden Plunger.”

The merchant looked dumbfounded, “the golden plunger is a myth, so there is no way we could have such an object.”

Without another word, the merchant abruptly left, confirming what I already knew – the denizens of the Wall of Greens were not friendly.

My spirits were beginning to diminish, perhaps the merchant was right. Maybe the golden plunger truly was a myth. If this was the case, then Cloggar had already won, there would be no stopping his hold over my precious, precious sanctuary.

I fed Pontiac and proceeded to continue the journey, surely something positive would happen shortly. We traveled for a long time, passing through territory after territory hoping to find a trace of what we sought.

Pontiac steadily brought me to our third and hopefully final destination; Tar-get, the land of red smocks. The market was enormous, and getting my bearings straight took some time. I eventually located the cleansing alley, praying to find the relic.

I searched, scouring the different wares. I began to despair, but wait! Hidden on the lower levels, behind some boxes – could it be? Is it possible? IT IS!!

Shrouded in a protective case, I beheld the greatest glory of glories – The Golden Plunger. There were several olde plungers as well, but I knew just how worthless those were against the likes of the suffocator. I lifted the mighty weapon, keeling under its impressive weight, and carried it to the nearest merchant.

The merchant was a small, wily-eyed troll. She clearly was not in a good mood.

“What do you want human?”

“I would like to purchase this fine weapon.”

“Hmmm, let me see, yes….that will be…25 gold pieces.”

TWENTY-FIVE!? I was but a poor student, how could I manage to afford such an outrageous price.

“Madame, I have spent my limited savings on wenches and ale, surely you understand my need for this weapon – it is to battle a common enemy. I beg of you, please make an exception, for the greater good of the world and all of its beauty!”

“Twenty-five gold pieces.”

DAMNATION! I opened my money satchel with hope that I had not truly wasted all of my savings. I pulled out a small hard card. OF COURSE!! The I.O.U., card – capable of managing most costs without immediate payment. Handing the card over to the troll, I was elated, Cloggar would soon be no more!

I exited Tar-get and headed towards Pontiac, ready for the trip home. The ride was swift, and with purpose – the suffocator would soon be banished. I returned to my domicile, thanked Pontiac for the flawless ride, and prepared to confront Cloggar.

Upon entering my abode, I realized that the golden plunger was still enveloped in its protective armor. How would I remove such a strong material? Hmm, directions…they stated to “cut here” along a dotted line. I proceeded to cut through the coating, but with great difficulty. I had cut through the lines, but the seal was not coming off.

“WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS!?” I followed the directions, yet the armor would not come off. Who creates such an impenetrable coating anyways? I understood the need to protect the golden plunger from evil, but the impossibilities of opening the packaging seemed to deter heroes such as myself.

I was running out of time, I would need to use a public sanctuary for ponderance if I didn’t purify mine soon. I loathe public sanctuaries.

I desperately assaulted the magic armor, hacking everything, hoping to loosen its terrible grip on the object of my deliverance. Finally, the armor began to crumble, I had succeeded! Slowly, I removed the golden plunger and equipped it properly. It had a protective sheath covering the suction helmet.

I entered the antechamber, Cloggar was ready.

“Wahahahha, pitiful creature, I thought you had retreated forever. But I see that you have returned for another lesson in pain!”

“SILENCE petulant beast, I have returned with THIS,” unsheathing the mighty golden plunger, I raised it in the air triumphantly. “Your comeuppance is at hand suffocator!”

Cloggar cowered, “IMPOSSIBLE, how did you…find..that..weapon!”

“Never you mind demon, your end it nigh. Now, GO BACK TO WHENCE YOU CAME!!!”

I plunged the golden plunger deep into the sacred waters. The suction was sealed, and I began to viciously drive the weapon forthwith and back. That final battle was immense, portal waters spattered throughout the sanctuary, blinding my right eye, and weakening my foothold. There was no turning back, I continued to plunge!

Cloggar gasped and choked in agony as the immeasurable powers of the golden plunger eviscerated his vile being.

“Gyargallll, vile human… may have defeated me on this night….but I…shall…return…”

The portal waters emptied, and soon thereafter, I fresh crystalline batch of pure sacred waters emerged – the battle was won, and not a moment too soon.

I picked up a libram, entered the sanctuary and shut the door – a good ponderance was afoot.

The End