So I was casually chilling on my couch, eating some delicious krispy crème donuts and watching Ferris Bueller’s day off when there was a knock knock knockin’ on my door. Seeing as anyone I hang out with never really knock, this felt unusual.
I open the door to find some short, rather large guy who looked a lot like Carlos Mencia, who I happen to loathe, I knew this was not going to end well.
Carlos: Are you the man of the house?
Me: uhh, what?
Carlos: Are you the man of the house?
Me: I live here.
Carlos: I am in some blah blah blah, where we have to go door to door and work on our communication skills blah blah, ya know, make good eye contact and speak clearly. How am I doing?
Me: uhh, good?
Carlos: So I get points for going door to door….ask me what points are.
Me: what?
Carlos: Ask me what points are
Me: What are points?
Carlos: Thank you for asking, we are trying to sell subscriptions for points, and if I get 10 more points, I get a free trip to cancun. Have you ever been?
Me: No.
Carlos: Would you like to go? Do you drink?
Me: uncomfortable silence
Carlos: Just kidding, I can’t actually take you. But seriously, I want to go, so if you could help me out with some points. Ask me what kinds of subscriptions are available.
Me: What?
Carlos: Ask me what kinds of subscriptions are available.
Me: What kinds of subscriptions are available?
Carlos: Thank you for asking, well we as you can see (hands over gross looking pamphlet), we offer a wide variety that you can get for yourself, your woman, or your family. They are cheap too, some are 5 cents an issue so they won’t hurt you wallet. What are you doing for a career?
Me: Dentistry
Carlos: Oh really? So you gonna be blinging with a Benz, Mercedes, and hummer.
Me: Yes, and a limo.
Carlos: laugh laugh laugh. Ask me about how many points I need.
Me: what?
Carlos: Ask me about how many points I need.
Me: How many points do you need?
Carlos: ten.
Me: More awkward silence
Carlos: So, see anything you like?
Me: No
Carlos: Well you could get something for your girl or your family and just have it sent to them (pulls out order form)
Me: How much is the cheapest thing?
Carlos: 30 bucks
Me: you said 5 cents before
Carlos: That was for an issue, you have to get yearly subscriptions
Me: I see, well I don’t have 30 dollars to give you. As a STUDENT, I will never have money to just chuck around for random subscriptions. I will not be making money for years.
Carlos: I see… well how many neighbors live next door.
Me: Four
Carlos: They look slutty
Me: They are
Carlos: (lecherous grin) Allright, take it easy man
Me: Ok, good luck.
………….
……
….
……………WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!?
I swear I felt violated just talking to this strange person. I want to know how this schmuck even got into our GATED apartment complex. And the conversation felt SOOO awkward; he was literally TELLING me what to ask. It took me forever to even realize that he was trying to sell crap. I thought he was just some dude on probation or in AA completing one of the “steps” towards remediation. He definitely looked like someone that had been in prison before.
I clearly need to be more assertive, I can’t spare 5 minutes every time someone asks me for a handout. And to send him on some blasted Cancun trip? Why would I even want to do that?
Well, this truly was an interesting experience and definitely worthy of an entry in this fine blog of mine because I am not creative enough to BS a conversation like that.
When I get my own house I'm getting a sign: SOLICITORS BEWARE - violators will be subject to anterior incisor extraction without an anesthetic. Get off my lawn.
